Football for dummies, from dummies

Hello late night  viewers of Indian TeleShopping channels!
You are in for a treat. Throughout this month, you can also watch football! But be warned, football is a dangerous contact sport. You could easily get bored, sleep off and fall from the couch making contact with the floor and hurting your head. Yes, football is that dangerous a contact sport.

Okay, Okay! It is not like we don't know about football in India. India has produced many famous footballers, who through their amazing skill and years of training have beaten all odds to become T.V anchors in post game shows that telecast at 2.00 AM. I am talking about John Abraham.

Yet, Indians remain largely ignorant of football. So, I am going to teach you how to play the beautiful game in this post. But a caveat, I played football just once and long time back. Football might have changed a lot since then. It might have got even more boring.

So, without much further ads, here we go.


STEP 1: Get yourself a tattoo.
It might be a tad difficult to find tattoo parlours in India . They are hidden in posh neighbourhoods, between pastery shops that sell donuts (also known as sweet vada) and rental libraries that charge more than the cost of the book. You can search for the nearest tattoo parlour in JustDial, India's number one local search engine. (disclaimer: I own this stock) The nearest tattoo parlour to my house is in Mumbai, 1000 kms away. (Flash news: I have just exited JustDial) Anyway, it may not be a bad idea to couple your grocery shopping also, if you are going to go that far.

STEP 2: Spike your hair.
This should be easier than tattoo parlours. All you need is some gel. You might not even need to get out of the house. If you don't know what I am talking about, watch the movie 'There's something about Mary.' You know what, watch the movie even if you do know what I am talking about. It is better than watching John Abraham in the post game show and God forbid, watching the football game itself.

STEP 3: Buy some football jerseys
Football jerseys can be quiet costly. To get jerseys at bargain prices, go to the platform shops around the railway station in your city. Search for jerseys that say 'Manchestar Unighted' , 'Joowentas', 'Baygon munich'. They tend to be the cheapest.

STEP 4: Get a beer and sit in front of your T.V
If you are an Appy Fizz kind of guy, it is okay too. But when you tell others about it, remember to pronounce Appy fizz as K-I-NG-FI-SHER. (Practise the pronunciation NOW!)

Congratulations! If you have come this far, you are the most experienced footballer of India. You are even better than John Abraham.

STEP 5: Watch a FIFA 2014 football match
This is the most difficult step. For one thing, it starts late in the night, like 9:30 PM. I know! But still, remember your goal: you want to learn to play football. Sip Appy Fizz (pronounced K-I-NG-FI-SHER) in little quantities to kill the time till the world cup match starts. Once the match starts, observe closely which teams are playing, what jerseys they are wearing and the names of important players. (Important players have more spikes and more tattoos)

Pay attention to how they are running around and around and around without ever coming in contact with the ball. Congratulations! You have learnt to play football!! You are even probably the best football player in India.

You can continue to watch the football match, but if you are feeling sleepy at any time, you can surf around and watch more interesting programs.
Like TeleShopping channel.