Showing posts with label Comic strip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comic strip. Show all posts

This Independence day, total freedom.

That Independence day, Avi wanted freedom. Total freedom. Freedom from seeing Gandhi movie for the the fiftieth time on T.V , freedom from malls that sold marked up jeans on sale, freedom from everything. But I wasn't buying it. He had been saying the same thing for half his life.
"You need to earn it Avi" I said. "Just talking won't do any good."
That's when he took out the gun, goddamm biggest gun I ever saw. BAM! He put a through and through hole in my laptop.
"Shit! My entire work is in there." I said. But Avi wasn't listening. He ran to the living room and I ran behind him.

"Honey! Shall we go to Lal Bagh? There is a flower show today, for Independence day." My wife said when she saw me.
"Duck!" I yelled just before Avi pulled the trigger.
BAM! The wooden show case splintered an inch above my wife's head. She was too stunned to speak.
"It's Avi! He has gone crazy." I said.
"Who's Avi?" She asked. I wished I could tell her. But I heard Avi starting the car outside. I ran out of the house and jumped into the car.

"Who's next?" I asked as the car turned the corner of the street.
"Your relationship manager." Avi said without looking at me. I was kinda beginning to like Avi. That creep had made me put all the money when the market was at the peak. "You can't time the market, Sir." He said and pocketed my cheque, the very day his company put a million dollar to buy a building above the stock
exchange so they can shave off a micro second in the trades.
"Take the next left. We don't want to get caught in the mall traffic." I said. But Avi kept going straight.

There was a big line of cars waiting to get into the mall. Avi pulled by the side of the first car and got out.
BAM! He shot through the window of the first car. There was a big commotion. I ducked in my car and counted six more gun shots.
"You have blocked the traffic. How can people get into the mall now?" I asked when Avi got back into the car. Avi didn't say anything. He just started the car and turned towards the banker's house.

But the banker had fled from his house. It looked like he had packed in a hurry. The house was in a disarray and the T.V was on. The images of mall, bloody cars filled the T.V screen.
"Looks like he saw us in the T.V" I pointed at the T.V screen to Avi. My headshot was at the bottom left corner. The image cut to a T.V studio and an anchor came on. He said that the nation wanted to know who I was and why I had shot innocent people in the mall.
"Let's go to the studio." Avi said as he went out of the house. I was beginning to love Avi.

On the way to studio, Avi shot some more people. He didn't even bother to stop the car. He just shot through the rolled down window at a rapist, an activist and some random guy who wore a T. Shirt which had some clever quote.
"Man!" I moaned as the T.Shirt guy fell on his face on the road. "I didn't get to read the quote fully."

I thought they wouldn't let us in at the T.V station when they saw our bloody clothes and Avi's gun. But nobody cared. Avi said he shot the people at the mall and wanted to get on the show. The producer asked us to go right in to the studio where the anchor was telling the audience what the nation wanted to know.
"Stop right there." Somebody shouted as Avi was about to open the studio door. Avi turned back and froze. The guy came up close, put some make up on Avi, and then said no matter what we did inside the studio, we had to always look at the camera.

Inside the studio, Avi cocked the pistol, pointed it at the anchor and said, "Get up."
"Look at the camera." The anchor hissed as he stood up.
"Shoot him, Avi." I shouted, looking at the camera. "We want total freedom."
But Avi hesitated for a moment.
"What, Are you out of bullets?" I asked.
"No, I have got just one." Avi said.

Then he shot me.

From Funny Side Of Life

Who is laughing now?

I am a voracious reader. Two policies of mine, when it comes to reading, are -
1)Any book I can lay my hands on, I pick up to read.
2)I never abandon a book that I have picked, half way through. Never.
Once I read through a thousand page book, even though I knew the ending just after two pages in. That's when I decided, I never gonna pick up a dictionary again to read.

The one thing I hate more than a dictionary is self help books. There is not one good self help book in this whole world. Trust me, I have read all of them. As far as I am concerned, the best self help book is the one with the fewest pages.

I love writing too. But I am good at coding. So I write code, mostly. But I have always wanted to write, write like John Grisham. I did too, write like him, for about six months. But then his publisher found out and sued me. I think that if you want to write like somebody, you are better off choosing Leo Tolstoy or Salman Rushdie. No one might read you. But you will never get caught either.

Once, I joined a creative writing class. The instructor's name was Shweta. She had written couple of novels. But she was more popular for her news paper columns. She was an extremely gifted columnist. She could write a poignant account, in three hundred words or less, of the harassment women face in public buses within the half an hour it takes her to commute to the office in the back seat of her Chauffeur driven AC car. She was a fake.

Shweta looked like the girl next door, the ultimate dream of every married man.
"If you want to lead well, you have to follow first. If you want to write well, you should read first." She said the first day.
"I want to act well in porn movies." All the men in the class said immediately.

After writing in this blog for couple of years, I have decided I want to write a book. I want to write a humor novel and laugh at the people who bought it. But writing a blog post is very different from writing a book. You see, a post is all about three hundred words and six funny one liners. Even the four seplling errors and dozen grammatical mistakes are a bonus. But a book is different. You need a plot, characters and lot and lots of words. Writing a sixty thousand word novel is hard, very hard. You have to write like, hundred thousand words. The continuous cycle of writing, deleting... Ufff. But I am optimistic. I have a plan, a plan to bloat up the word count, a plan that no one has thought about yet. I will increase the font size.

The setting for my novel is a fictitious country called A.S.U. They outsource any task that is possible to outsource. They import all goods - from fluffy cotton pillows to heavy Iron dumbbells. The only thing they do themselves is write and read... self help books. Now, all I need is a plot.

Two months into my endeavor of writing a novel, I am trudging along. Often I fail to meet my daily quota of five hundred words a day.But I say to myself, "Some days, it is about quantity. Some days, it is about quality."

But the truth is, most of the days, it is just about green tea.
From Funny Side Of Life

Another week goes by

This comic should have gone with the previous post. But...

From Funny Side Of Life

Shut that kid up. Please.

Have you been on a plane travel where a kid shrieks through the whole journey and generally makes life miserable for everyone else?
That kid would be mine.

Maybe, You feel that I ought to be spending time bringing up my kid right. And you wouldn't be terribly wrong. My personal belief about parenting is this. To be a good parent all you need to know about kids are where does the stuff go in and where does it come out. (Hint: It is the same as in adult species) Of course, I have spent some time in instilling good morals like you need to take care of your parents when they are old and stuff like that. But I consider my purchase of a plot in a nearby retirement village as the best investment in my life.

But all these tantrums of my kid has driven me to concede the fact maybe, I was wrong. So I decided to learn about good parenting from the best source possible. I turned to the kid's grandmother - my mother. I left the kid with him last sunday and went to the book shop in the neighbouring mall.

There is something wrong about a parenting book that says,'The author is a professor emuritus in MIT.' I would reather buy a book that says in its preface,'The author is mother of a professor emuritus in MIT'. But I am guessing those mothers are busy watching day time television and don't have time to write parenting books. Too bad! I would have really liked to know how to raise a money making machine. I don't have high opinion of Hillary Clinton's book, 'It takes a village to raise a child.' either. 'No! It takes a village to keep your husband happy.', I would like to point to her.

According to me, Parenting books is the second biggest racket in publishing world. The biggest one is of course, Self-help books. There is not a single good self help that is worth reading. Trust me. I have read all of them! And I have got this to say that creep who wanders from self-help section to the parenting section in the book shop, 'You Loser! Quit following me!'

Quote of the Day:As a father, I am not able to get around to this fact. But Philip II must have really really loved his son to name him Alexander the Great.

From Funny Side Of Life

iSad over iCon's death

I am not a member of iPhone fan club. I never will be. But I know there are  people who derive their sense of self worth from the iPhone model they own. Just like there are teenage college boys who are obsessed with the size of their gadget. This world is made of all kinds of people. Let's not hold that against an work of art and its creator. (To be clear, I am talking just about iPhone and Steve jobs here.)

Technology is a child of truth. Beauty had always been in scarse supply there. That is, till Steve jobs came along. He fused them together in a way not known before and in a way that has not been surpassed since. Sure, Google puts out stuff that has touch of beauty. But that is beauty of elegance - not for everybody. It is for people who enjoy the symmetry of equations in Minkowski space time model. (I made that up. But you get the idea, right?)

It's a pity that Steve Jobs was kicked out of apple the first time. Had he been there, Computers would have been very different today. I am talking about windows - a search dog that scratches itself and a paper clip that rolls its eyes were their attempts to be human friendly! How hard would it have been for him to surpass that? But the loss of computer industry turned out to be the benefit of animation film and phone industry. And his latest product, ipad, may even start the decline of computers in household.

Fifty six is not an age to die. Not for anybody. Definitely not for the rock star of the tech world. But we don't get to decide these things. All we can say is, 'Hey, Phone companies up there! Watch out for the new kid.'

Quote Of The Day:
iLove iPhone. iPod,iPad. iLove I .
From Funny Side Of Life
Here's my slightly different opinion of Steve Jobs. (It was for a contest for Indiblogger. But it is a true opinion too.)

The survivor in me

I am a survivor. I have always been.

Right from my childhood when I had to fight for kaj(batting time) in the play ground. I had to fight stronger, meaner kids to get my batting time.
"You said I can bat for one over if I fielded beyond the boundary. You better bowl or else..."
"or else, what?"
"or else I will tell mom."
Yeah..those stronger, meaner kids were my younger brothers.

But my surviving skills reached its pinnacle in my battle with a worthy enemy - testosterone. I am talking about college days. You would be surprised how much I was prepared for the phrase, "Let's just be friends".

"Hey, Smrithi!"
"I.. I.."
"I want your notes."
"Who are you?"

That was brutal. I felt like the army of Djibouti in the world war II. They were ready for standing up to and getting annihilated by Germany. But Hitler said, "F*** Djibouti. Who wants it? Take a bypass and go for France." Four years of the same class and she asks, "Who are you?" I needed every bit of my surviving skill, all right.

Not impressed! Okay, I will tell you how I fared in the ultimate test of survival skills for a metro-sexual man - fighting bad Internet connection.

I sensed something was amiss late last night. I wasn't able to connect to Internet. My survival skills kicked in immediately - I went to sleep. Today morning, I got up and it is the same. Clearly the situation called for fight and not flight. So I power cycled the laptop couple of times. Nothing happened! Then I took the battle one notch higher and reset my wireless router couple of times. Nothing, Nada, Zilch.

I remembered what Anthony Hopkins did when he saw the bear in 'The edge'. I tried calling my wife for help on phone.

Suddenly I got connected to Internet. But I couldn't get to Google. You all know how much I need Google . I need it for tasks ranging from checking the spelling of survivor to see whether any people had dropped in on my blog (The usual answer is NO). But it just wouldn't go to Google.

Can you guess what I did? I went to Bing. I am a survivor, baby! Yeah, that's what I am. I asked Bing , "Is Google down?" and that she threw up her hands and gave me lot of vague links. Boy, Ask a woman a question!

And then my ISP went down again.
I called my ISP. 'MayDay! MayDay! Internet is down. Houston! we have a problem.'
'No sir, everything is fine here.' The ISP guy stonewalled.

I kept the phone down and assessed the situation. There is some problem, somewhere. And someone has to solve it. My survival skills went on the overdrive. I disconnected from the internet, powered off the router and fired the notepad to start typing this post. I will wait for that someone to bring me back on line.

I don't know! Maybe the world likes and needs people like John McClane of Die Hard when there is a crisis. But I am a survivor of different type. I am more like a polar bear that hibernates during winter. If my office is going to be taken over by terrorists, I am going to lock myself in the bathroom. That's how I survive.

And I am a survivor. I have been. I am. And I will always be ,I mean, till the time I die.

Quote of the day:
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - leaving you behind.

From Funny Side Of Life

Liked the post? Find out what do I do when I am not surviving.

On our education system

It is June, July again - that time of the year when we, parents, wake up to the fact that there is something called education system and it has deteriorated from where it was when we were concerned about it the last time which was precisely a year back. It is a recent phenomenon. For the past five years are so, every June the parents go, "Oh no! We are just back from our vacation and the education system is already waiting for us to worry about. Lets get back to work and start getting concerned."

But this time we are really concerned. We are positively convinced that the education system has gone to the dogs and are really worried that the dogs are thinking of passing it back to teachers. "Please, pass it on to your cousin wolves who hunt in packs if you must, but not to the teachers!" is the general opinion among us.

But I am not with my fellow parents on this one. I think we owe a lot to our education system. So allow me to offer my defense for the education system.

Five hundred years ago no one, not even the wisest one, knew about Newton's laws. But it is due to our education system that nowadays even a high school student can tell all the three Newton's laws which are

1)There are three Newton's laws
2)All laws were discovered when just one apple fell to the earth.
3)If I slap you, you will slap me back. (The real Newton's law had words like action and reaction. But the education board decided to choose the English translation over the Latin original)

If that doesn't impress you maybe you should help your child do his collage on tubers. Then you will know how advanced the education system is. Did you know that even though yams and potatoes are available in the same aisle of the super market and are often found adjacent to each other, they are as different as they can be. Yam is a root tuber and potato is , hold your breath now, a stem tuber! Yeah, it is a completely different animal ! The difference is so vast that it merits a complete chapter in school books and of course, a collage. I hope parents won't mind that a chart paper of these vegetables is costlier than a kilogram of these tubers especially since it has made them knowledgeable about the huge difference between yams and potatoes.

But to me, the ease with which the education system has included the instruction of a radically new and dynamic field like Computer Science into their fold offers the ultimate proof of its quality. Look at couple of questions from the recent computer science question paper of class twelve.

1)Draw the diagram and label the parts of Pentium processor
2)Explain the ten different types of social networks and give examples for each one of them

Hello, highly concerned parents! Don't the questions look similar to the ones you saw two decades back in Science and Geography papers?

This eternal immutability of our education system is the one that convinces me that five hundred years from now FaceBook - a phenomenon that puzzles the wisest of us today will be clearly understood in bullet points just like the way we all have understood Newton's laws today. Indeed it is a very comforting thought.

As a parting note, maybe we should be more concerned about the falling standards of our concerns. We used to worry about how the Indian team was a one man army and about the real estate prices. Now we are worrying about the education system! Something must be really done to improve the standards of our concerns. We need some good issues to worry about. Raja and Ramdev are trying their bit, but it's not working. Is Rakhi savant listening?

From Funny Side Of Life

Do you want to have a say on what I should write on? Go ahead and vote for your favorite topic.

On ageing

Nobody knows a man better than his
3)Barber (Not hairstylist)

BTW, that list is in reverse order. I know that wives will not be thrilled about losing to his mother. But spare a thought for his mother. She lost to his barber!

It was my haircut day, a Saturday couple of months back. I was looking forward to the barber working his magic on my hair and transform me from nobody-with-lot-of-hair to nobody-with-little-hair . I have this special connection with my barber. We meet once a month and instantly connect.

"Come in! Come in! Had your breakfast?"
(I sit at the vacant chair.)

For the next half an hour we connect like those two childhood friends who don't need to talk when they meet. We exactly know what each other wants.

I - less hair.
He - more business.

Before leaving I smile to acknowledge his skill. He smiles back conveying, "It was his pleasure." That is an example of great relationship. A relationship where there are no disasters of expectations that go wrong, misunderstandings that explode, insensitivity that hurts.

But something changed that day. He popped the dreaded four-word question.
"Do you want dye?"
"Your hair. Do you want to dye your hair?"
"But.. But why?"

He pointed at that reflecting thing called mirror. He tilted my head to show my sideburns where the hair had caught the fresh

snow of the old age winter. If your life is not the basis of any docu-drama movies like Schindler's list then seeing your grey hair for the first time in mirror can easily be your most harrowing personal experience. But my barber, for some reason didn't understand that. He kept selling the idea of dying my hair. I politely declined, paid him and left without smiling that day.

You might be wondering why I had not seen the grey hair in mirror before? Allow me to digress to explain how men relate to mirror. We believe that mirror is something that supports and fills the wall. And it is something that one stands in front of
when they brush or comb , because there is nothing else better to stand in front of. But we really don't see what is on the mirror. Never! We have T.V to see what is on.

I went home that day and looked at my past photos to see when exactly the old age had crept on me. And I saw the obvious answer - old age was always creeping on me. If my hair color could be used to represent the demographics of a city - I have
decayed from NduguNdugu of Central Africa to Harlem of fifties to Madras of Pre-Independence era. And whites were winning every day. I will probably have a photo to represent Arctic Tundra within a decade.

But I am not going to go down without a fight. I am never going back to any barber who suggests I dye my hair.

From Funny Side Of Life

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Letter from a father to his son

I know you can't read yet. And I know I don't write well either. But the things that has to be done now must not wait for the skills that can be learned later.

When you start reading this letter you might get this fancy idea, I can't imagine how but you just might, that this situation is like that popular Hindi movie and you are that cute little kid ..

Well, stop thinking those things because the kid in the movie was way more cute than you.

Then you might wonder why I am taking the trouble of writing a letter when I can just tell you what I want to say to your face. But the problem with the real world is, you can't always tell what you want to say to a person's face. Especially to a kid's face. And sometimes you really don't want to say anything. You just want to..

Let's talk about the time you dropped the digital camera and broke it. In the real world, I can't slap you across the face or, I am going to leave this sentence trailing by putting those cute little dots because even in Internet world one has to be cautious as some crackpot may read this and get crazy ideas and I might be charged as an accessory for aggravated assault, ..

In the real world what I am supposed to say when you dropped the camera is, "Oh, that was my mistake! I should not have kept it in the top shelf beyond your reach, well hidden behind all those clothes. It just raised your curiosity. You had to see whether it would break if you drop it. So, you waited till I went to the toilet and.. I totally understand. It was my fault."

But it was after you dropped the camera that we remembered we had neither seen nor copied the photos of the costly vacation that we took couple of months back. So while you are sleeping the sleep of the contented person who has done his day's duty and your mother is uploading all the pictures to that place in Internet where all the vacation pictures go and sending invites, I have entered a philosophical mood.

Is it odd that I have time to see the vacation photos of friends, acquaintances and strangers and make a list of places to go, sights to see and things to do but have no time to enjoy the memories of places I went, sights I saw and things I did?

I do not want to finish this letter in a philosophical note. So here is a piece of advice to you, my son.

Don't turn me into a philosopher. Stop breaking my stuff.

From Funny Side Of Life

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Two + Three funny things about Infosys : Part III

4) Infosys Buildings : If you are not Infoscion, please click on this google search result link : Infosys building images before proceeding. Oh, BTW the image of dual snake like Infosys building in Dubai, that is just an internet rumour. At least, I hope so.

When the Al Qaueda pilots said, "But How will we find the buildings?" Osama said, I am sorry about the mistake, Osama (late) said "Get your ass up there and aim for the tallest buildings. And you! Can you draw Pentagon? You can't miss these from up in the sky."
Thus the course syllabus of postmodern architecture became just two chapters : rectangular Buildings, More rectangular buildings that cannot be spotted from sky.

So the world was shocked when NRN assembled a conference of international reporters and told them (after gesturing the orchestra to play the dramatic music score of Beethovan fifth symphony) "Wait! I need to take a deep breath here." He took a  deep breath and gestured again to the orchestra and then said, "I want buildings that can be spotted from sky. Pyramids, Rhomboids, and, and ..."(the music was in a crescendo indicating rising tension), he looked around and saw a crushed paper which he held high in his raised hand, "and not one but three buildings like this!"

The cymbals crashed and the cofounders clapped like crazy. The world gasped because they had just heard in CNN that Bush had fainted after choking on a pretzel and John Major had announced his support if Bush wanted to make a retaliatory strike against Sadam.

But the CIOs of the fortune five million companies read about the pyramid buildings and said, "All right! All right! We will give you another maintenance contract. We will come and tour the campus. But I swear to GOD, I am not going to plant one more tree!" And it worked fine too with Infosys because they were cutting tress to build tree shaped buildings.

The following lines are taken from the revised coursed syllabus of postmodern architecture after the revival led by Infosys buildings.

The spot-it-easy-from-sky architectural style reached its zenith in Mysore campus of Infosys where if you are on the road within the campus you are just lost. You have got to be on sky to find out how to go to the destination that you want to go. Hence this kind of architecture got its name Big Picture Architecture or You-are-walking-the-wrong-way architecture.

This style is exemplified by the following rules
a) All roads should be curved so people should never know which direction they are heading
b)Buildings should be built on slopes so if you enter in the ground floor on one side you exit on the second floor in the other side.
c)Have rooms but no doors.
d)If there is a door to a room, then conceal it.
e)Have loooooong corridors that will connect even loooooonger corridors
f)If you have found the shortest way to connect two buildings then try harder.
g)If you have designed a square room or building then design again.

Suggested Exercises
1. Who decides when the modern architecure style and post modern architecture starts? How exactly do they decide?
2. Have you seen the two snake like buildings on Internet? What do they look like?
3. How can you make the clients pay for this BEEP?

5) People involved in even more meaningless tasks than the ones cleaning the pebbles: When I see the folks at Quali..(My lawyer says that if I write one more letter after 'i' I might never get employed in Infosys again. Worse, I might even get sued. So...)

5 again)Appraisal and Balanced score card : Some people with unbalanced mind at H..(My lawyer is whispering again)

5 once again) 360 degree feedback : Well, To those who wanted 360 degree feedback, I always say let's start with 180 degree. Just turn aro...(My lawyer is wildly gesticulating now.)

All right, I am out of ideas now. See you in the next post.

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Two + Three funny things about Infosys : Part II

AKA 'The part before the concluding part because we like to have more posts'

In the interest of saving Internet bandwidth, I direct you to read the disclaimers posted in previous part. (My lawyer has convinced me of the legal binding of this redirection)

3)Presidential visits and petty politics : When a president of a powerful African country lands in Delhi after a long flight and drives to the Indian Prime Minister's office and meets him, do you know what the president asks? No, not where the toilet is. He asks, "Can I plant a tree in Infosys Campus?" The Prime Minister says,"Whatever."

So the president hops on the next flight to Bangalore, drives to Infosys campus and plants a tree right next to the one planted by the previous president who was beheaded in a coup ordered by him. The New York times of the visiting President's country (why not?) puts the photo of the ceremony in the first page next day.

The CIO of a fortune 5 million company in that country (a regular reader of the news paper) sees this and says, "Oh, the Infosys guys!! Let's give them another maintenance contract." The army general (also a regular reader of the news paper) sees the photo and swears, "That's it. I've got to plant a tree too. It's coup time, Baby!"

So, everything goes fine and Infosys gets more contracts and Africa gets more coups. Then the chinese president wants to get in as well and that's fine too because that means more contracts and no coups. But when the underpreviliged minister (No, it is not a typo) of krygshitistan (yes, it is the same country which I covered earlier here) asks for a chance to plant a tree and Infosys obliges, everybody knows the situation has gone too far.

Nothing can come out of  such an exercise but for some petty class struggle among the gardeners.

"nodi saar, naanu Li Pengku neeru aaktha idhe. Ondina rajaa thogonde. baaki neevu blog alli Englishla bharidubidi saar." (Look at this saar, I was watering Li Peng. I took a day holiday and the supervisor has transferred me to krygshitistan. I was a pillar gardener saar. NRN himself has given me forty ESOPS. I am going to take a chappal and ...)

The fourth and fifth funny things about Infosys will be posted tomorrow to conclude this series.

if you are an Indiblogger, You may want to check out the posts I submitted for Indiblogger contests like Take flight with color and You've got iPhone? Guess what I've got . Please consider promoting the posts if you like them. I would really appreciate it.

From Funny Side Of Life

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Two + Three funny things about Infosys

Infosys was the leading IT services provider of India before they decided to leverage their core competencies of Global delivery model and move up the value chain in the space warp of friedmanoian flat world and leapfrog by strategy innovation, operational excellence, thought leadership.. guess what, it is not worth it even though there is a teeny tiny chance that I may seek employment in Infosys again.

Disclaimer 1: The author reserves the right to claim on a future date that he did not write this article in free will but was held in duress and was forced at gun point by an employee of a rival company.

Disclaimer 2: This is not indended for consumption of any one other than the intended audience. The intended audience (who shall be henceforth referred to as intended audience) include but is not limited to denizens and non-denizens of internet and who who are not employed in the HR department of Infosys.

Enough of preamble.

1)Infy+ and O+ : Infy+ was an internal change program to transform Infosys from yada yada to yada yada yada. But for a more accurate definition we need to borrow words from less known and lesser respected seventh grade Tamil teacher of my school. In her words

Infy+ is O+* (* hopeless)

It took eighty densely packed powerpoint slides to outline the concept and workings of Infy+. In comparison the advanced unix course conducted by Infosys training department was a relatively sparesely populated thirty slider presentation. And half the trainees flunked in this advanced course. The key takeaway of the Infy+ (for the majority of the employees) was in slide seventy eight and was titled 'New Dress Code'. To explain the new dress code under Infy+ succinctly I need to borrow idea from another fellow Tamilian: Thiruvalluvar of seven word couplets fame

Infosys Monday tie. Infy+
Monday,Tuesday tie.

2)Cleaning ladies and the Zen Gurus : There was a time when Infosys had thirty thousand software engineers and forty thousand cleaning ladies. (No they were not there to clean the BEEP the programmers coded. There was maintenance contract for that.) The cleaning ladies were there to scrub and scrub every square millimeter of every square inch of the floor till it shone like floor. In addition they were also supposed to

a)wipe the underside of the keyboard/mouse/mousepad while programmers are typing their BEEP
b)scrub gently the power button of the computer when it is on
c)wash the toilet while the programmers were ...
Point C was of paramount importance and every toilet of Infosys was cleaned every hour, throughout the hour.

But the noblest of the cleaning task was reserved for the Zen gurus handpicked by NRN himself. They washed the dirt off every individual pebble in a , well what else, huge pebble bed by the old canteen so that the pebbles are in pristine white till the next rain comes. (which, if they are lucky will be when they are half way through. But there were good days and then there were bad days. On bad days, the rain would start when they had just finished their task and got up and before going inside the building paused for a moment to take a look at their achievement.)

I don't know why but I always thought they were not really cleaning the pebbles but teaching some zen philosophy of life (under NRN's order, of course) to the software folks who constantly complained about their meaningless life in between their bites at onion dosa in the adjacent canteen. But for all the intelligent programs I have written I have not been able to fathom what lesson NRN wanted to impart.

That brings us to the third thing which I will write in tomorrow's post (hence the title). Please take a look at the comic and feel free to forward this post (or like or tweet) to your Infosys friends (but not to the ones in HR) and come back tomorrow.

From Funny Side Of Life

You may also like recent posts that I submitted for Indiblogger contests like Take flight with color and You've got iPhone. Guess what I've got
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So you've got iPhone, Guess what I've got

I've got a 64 MB pen drive! And a 5K mobile from (I don't want to name names so I am just going to link) this people. By the way, 5K is not a model number.

The best things about my phone are
1)It's cheap.
2)It's cheap.
3)It's cheap.

The bad things (there are quiet a few) about my phone are
1)It's got a trackball (that doesn't track very well) to select menus.
2)It's got "Delete this SMS" and "Delete All SMS" as adjacent menus.
3)(This is the killer) For some reason it asks me 5 times before "Delete this SMS" but not even once before "Delete All SMS".

I can visualize our conversation going like this.

YOU: "Man! Did you wipe off your inbox because the trackball screwed up?"
I : "Ah, a perceptive reader! We see so few of you in this part of internet. Please make your self comfortable and spread some internet love by clicking on like button."
YOU: "Did you or Did you not wipe off your inbox?"
I : "The messages are not that important anyway. Something about me winning 1 million pounds and a girl named Shipa who is new in town and wanting to talk to me."
YOU : "You won a million pounds and a girl new in town wants to talk to you?"
I : "Well, I win it every week. And the girl who is in town, she gives me what looks like a Russia number for some strange reason."

So I come to the question that this post is concerned about:
Do my gadgets reflect my personality?

The answer is: I don't know.
It is short form for: I don't want to know.
But the real answer is: It does. But shall we talk about something else?

So there you have it. Your gadgets, the little things that you buy like mobiles, ipods and laptops, they all tell what you are.
So if you ask,"Are you going to buy iPhone then?" then I have to say, "I thought you are a perceptive reader."

The truth is your gadgets reflect your personality. They don't create your personality.

Just like Arunthati Roy's gadget is a jhola bag (that has a sheaf of papers with the title "Trigonometry of finite little things" and a booker prize) and Siddarth Mallya's gadget is Deepika padukone, my gadget is M****X mobile phone. The gadgets select us as much as we select the gadget.

What about the Dell Inspiron with its changeable covers and the tag line - Change is Easy?

You are right. You can switch the interchangeable lids of Dell Inspiron and go from the hard working IT guy in weekdays to the cool photographer in the weekend. That is, if you are an IT guy with an eye for photography.

Remember this: What is inside the lid is still the same.
It is real.
It is you.
It is Dell.

With the switch of a lid Dell can change because in its true essence, it can work and play harder, faster.
What about you?

In summary, I will buy an Android, maybe. But not an iPhone. Because that's not me.
BTW, I use a Dell. (No, I am not kidding.) I use it to crank out my code as well as my post. It has stood by me. And I love it.

This post is an entry for Dell Inspiron sponsored Change is easy contest for Indibloggers.

If you are an Indiblogger and you liked this post, please consider voting for this post
Also, take a look at my post for HP Take flight with colour and consider voting for it too. I need it very much. Thank you.

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Take flight with color

Folks at HP have asked me to write a post on what black and white things I would like to see in colour! Yipieee!! Well, not just me exactly. All the bloggers of Indiblogger. As we don't take ourselves seriously and just joke around here I decided to write assuming that I am not going to win anything (which is what happens all the time anyway) and try to wage an all out war on black and white.

So here is my list of things I would like to see in color.

1)Black hole : Black hole has made the most number of people look foolish after kaun banega crorepathi. Imagine yourself in the coffee break trying to fit in with those people who can talk about Aishwarya rai and Einstein at the same sip of coffee and one of them who never liked you goes, "Hey! Have you ever seen a black hole?" and you try to play it safe as you really don't know what is black hole and say, "Well, kinda but..." and the whole group laughs at you. Well, I have looked up black hole on Internet and is just amazed that half of the Nobel prizes for physics in the last decade have gone to people who are trying to fathom more about black hole. Well, I tell you what, if ever that black hole turns color and emits some light, Boy! quiet a few Nobel prizes have to be returned back. And few smiles will be wiped off the faces of those stupid guys who think they are smarter than me just because they bought "Brief History Of time" and kept it in the attic. So my first nomination is Black Hole.

2)Black and white Unix terminals : This happened like fifteen years ago but I still remember it vividly. I guess the scar runs pretty deep. I finished my college, secured a job in a top tier IT company. So I go to the office with stars in my eyes and what do they do? They take me to this room and bring out the sorting hat a la Harry Potter style! I put it on and the hat breaks into a lament, "He is a geek! He
is a workhorse. He can master the logic but he is not creative." A life of black and white will suit him just fine." So a very bored person takes me to this terminal where I see unappealing white letters in black background and he says, "This is a Unix terminal and I am going to be your mentor." I felt a bit better when the sombre person taught me Unix which is nothing but a series of diatribe against windows like "windows can't do true multitasking (This is windows 3.1 days) and Unix can." But when I pointed out this fact and gloated at the college friends who were serving the evil Bill Gates they would go, "Dude, whatever. Can you see colors in your screen?" I would get depressed again because , let's face it, for all the forking and spawning Unix does the black and white screen really sucks. So that's my second nomination.

(SPOILER ALERT: I am going to get philosophical and serious now.)
3)Skin Color : Forget the black hole and the Unix terminals. If there is one place where I would have liked to see more candidates than black and white it is in skin color. I hear many of you shouting about wheatish complexion, fair wheat complexion. You are parents of marriageable girls, I presume? Let me not spoil your party. But the wheatish complexion that you crow about, it is just black (or white)
gone awry. Anyway, the human race is a bloody struggle for supremacy between black and white. Imagine what would have happened if there had been blue coloured people, green coloured people and red coloured people. People would have seen too many different colored skins to believe in the supremacy of any one colored skin and the world would have been a better place. And the bonus would be that the whole beauty industry which thrives on selling fairness cream in five rupees tube would have gone down the drain benefiting one half of the population, namely men who get to see more money. (I know, they will just spend it on beer and fries. But it
is not total waste of money like spending on fairness cream, right?)

So, In summary I must go with, "Can we have some different color skins here? Please, God!"

After thought 1: If God is indeed going to put some different colors on the skin, I would like him to take a look at the whitening hair issue as well. If the black hair doesn't turn white but becomes green, blue or red then ageing will be lot cooler. At least till the eventuality strikes.)

After thought 2: I had a long list of black and white things that could be livened up with color like, the orthodontist in white coat, black board and white chalk, white office walls, strict nuns in all white uniform. But the above three won hands down. For the records, strict nuns in white uniforms lost by a narrow margin.

Submitted for contest sponsored by the colorful HP laserjet .
If you like this post, go here and vote for me. I need it very much. Thank you.

How you see yourself and how the world sees you

Panel 1: (person 1:) We are the 3rd most popular website..
(person 2:) about baseball.
Panel 2: (person 3:) In south India!!
(Reporter:) Wow! Now if you can rearrange for a photo, we can wrap this.
Panel 3: (Reporter:) That looks just perfect!

If  you like this, then you may like my other comic strips (with or without articles)

Life in a laptop : Microsoft search Dog

I thinking of making a series on the idea "Life in a laptop". Got a lot of ideas. Besides, I don't need to draw as much :).

Panel1 : (Microsoft search dog) I don't know whether I am a dog looking for a bone..
Panel2 : (Microsoft search dog) or a philosopher searching the mysteries of files..
Panel3 : (Microsoft search dog) it is like I have multiple personalities.
(Password box) You are telling me!

Problem with Creative People

Panel1 : (notepad) Am I not telling it right? Nobody reads me!
Panel2 : (warning icon) Ahh! We creative folks always follow golden rule of communication : SHOW DONT TELL.
Panel3 : (notepad) How do you show that excel can take only 65536 rows?
(warning icon) : MUST NOT talk to engineers, tech writers, managers..

A good actor never knows when they said 'CUT'

Panel1 : (Actress) I am so busy in Bollywood
Panel2 : (Actress) I am doing four movies in Tamil right now.
(Fish) ??
Panel3 : (Actress) I had to turn down Mani. I am so busy in malayalam
(Fish) you got to be kidding me!

Google vs Facebook

I love google. We all do. It tells me the correct spelling of floccinaucinihilipilification. (Finally, I managed to use that word in a sentence!) When I tried to pull the same stunt in MS Word, the autocorrect choked on its red squiggly lines for a while and then came back with 'Fox nose in hill fiction'.  Fox nose in hill fiction! Way to go Billy boy!

And google is the best to turn to if you ever forget the lyrics of a song.

I: zindagi shitwah gulzaar
Google: Did you mean zindagi shikwah gulzaar?
Google not only gave me the links for the lyrics and the mp3 but also some true insights. Did you know that gulzaar uses the word zindagi a lot in his songs? Awfully lot! He should get a life.
And then then other day, I started hearing this disturbing sound (tung tungg tunggg) in my car. So I called the mechanic.

I: I hear this sound in my car. It is like tung tungg tunggg.
Mechanic: We will do it Sir. You will pay by cash or card Sir?
I: You will do what?
Mechanic: We will see sir. But we will do it sir. you will bring the vehicle tomorrow no Sir?

I started worrying what he was going to do and who he was going to do to - car, card or me? So I did what any man who has an iota of manliness in him will do. I googled "why am I hearing tung tungg tunggg in my car?" The first link was "if you hear a dull thumping noise in your car" from the blog of a British scuba diver. It obviously was a wrong result as tung tungg tunggg can never be described as a thumping noise. But you can never trust those foreigners who have English as their first language. They have a weird way of speaking and writing English. So I clicked on the link. Let me cut short the story here by just saying we found in the boot of the car the stainless steel vessel that we thought we had missed in the picnic a month back.

I am saying all these nice things about Google because I feel very bad that Google is getting his butt kicked by Facebook. I find it strange that Facebook's ascendance should spell doom for Google. After all, one helps you to find the lyrics of the gulzaar song and the other helps you to see your friend's wife's (sorry kid's) photo. So they kinda address different needs and can co exist together. But we know it never works that way. The way it works is the more time you spend on your friend's wall the lesser time you have for searching and lesser opportunities for Google to make money. Well, it is not exactly that way. The truth is bit more complicated. But I do not want to go into it as I become depressed. Why don't you just find out for yourself how facebook is going to beat google. Just Google it.
Yeah! Google knows it. He just can't do anything about it. Ironical isn't it?

From Funny Side Of Life

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Inception: Two middle fingers up

(Don't read in between the words. I am just showing my appreciation by using the longest fingers instead of thumbs.)

There are thousands of glowing reviews of the movie Inception on the internet.
But I decided to write my bit anyway.

If you have not watched it, you should immediately go and watch it. Especially if you are an Indian. You see, the name of the hero is Cobb. You know what it means phonetically in Hindi. Dream! Yes, Nolan is really a genius. I think he deserves an Oscar for life time achievement just for this.

But wait,he gets better. He is a master teacher too. Teacher? Yes! Right in the middle of the movie he takes a time out to conduct a class on Dream 101. He makes cobb assemble all the characters and the audience to cover concepts like dream levels,dream travel, dream-time space, totems, limbo. The people who would have shouted at their quantum physics teacher, "Stop bull shitting. Get Real, man!" and stormed out of the class chose to sit through this movie and came out saying, "Wow! He really exercised the tiniest of the tiniest cell of my gray matter! And I thought I came to watch a movie. I can't wait for Dream 102." He should get the award for best teacher too, if they have one.

What about Nobel prize? Oh yeah that too! This whole branch of science that inquires into dreams within dreams is his creation.
Really! So he is the first to come up with an idea of dream within a dream within a dream.
Of course, yeah! Engineers, especially software engineers, will blabber something about recursion. But don't let those geeks take away from the genius of Nolan. They just download code from Internet.

Okay, so Do I belong to the gang that believes he should have got the Oscar for best director or at least best movie? Well, Hmm.... Not really. He got couple of nominations, right? Good enough.