Showing posts with label Infosys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infosys. Show all posts

Two + Three funny things about Infosys : Part III

4) Infosys Buildings : If you are not Infoscion, please click on this google search result link : Infosys building images before proceeding. Oh, BTW the image of dual snake like Infosys building in Dubai, that is just an internet rumour. At least, I hope so.

When the Al Qaueda pilots said, "But How will we find the buildings?" Osama said, I am sorry about the mistake, Osama (late) said "Get your ass up there and aim for the tallest buildings. And you! Can you draw Pentagon? You can't miss these from up in the sky."
Thus the course syllabus of postmodern architecture became just two chapters : rectangular Buildings, More rectangular buildings that cannot be spotted from sky.

So the world was shocked when NRN assembled a conference of international reporters and told them (after gesturing the orchestra to play the dramatic music score of Beethovan fifth symphony) "Wait! I need to take a deep breath here." He took a  deep breath and gestured again to the orchestra and then said, "I want buildings that can be spotted from sky. Pyramids, Rhomboids, and, and ..."(the music was in a crescendo indicating rising tension), he looked around and saw a crushed paper which he held high in his raised hand, "and not one but three buildings like this!"

The cymbals crashed and the cofounders clapped like crazy. The world gasped because they had just heard in CNN that Bush had fainted after choking on a pretzel and John Major had announced his support if Bush wanted to make a retaliatory strike against Sadam.

But the CIOs of the fortune five million companies read about the pyramid buildings and said, "All right! All right! We will give you another maintenance contract. We will come and tour the campus. But I swear to GOD, I am not going to plant one more tree!" And it worked fine too with Infosys because they were cutting tress to build tree shaped buildings.

The following lines are taken from the revised coursed syllabus of postmodern architecture after the revival led by Infosys buildings.

The spot-it-easy-from-sky architectural style reached its zenith in Mysore campus of Infosys where if you are on the road within the campus you are just lost. You have got to be on sky to find out how to go to the destination that you want to go. Hence this kind of architecture got its name Big Picture Architecture or You-are-walking-the-wrong-way architecture.

This style is exemplified by the following rules
a) All roads should be curved so people should never know which direction they are heading
b)Buildings should be built on slopes so if you enter in the ground floor on one side you exit on the second floor in the other side.
c)Have rooms but no doors.
d)If there is a door to a room, then conceal it.
e)Have loooooong corridors that will connect even loooooonger corridors
f)If you have found the shortest way to connect two buildings then try harder.
g)If you have designed a square room or building then design again.

Suggested Exercises
1. Who decides when the modern architecure style and post modern architecture starts? How exactly do they decide?
2. Have you seen the two snake like buildings on Internet? What do they look like?
3. How can you make the clients pay for this BEEP?

5) People involved in even more meaningless tasks than the ones cleaning the pebbles: When I see the folks at Quali..(My lawyer says that if I write one more letter after 'i' I might never get employed in Infosys again. Worse, I might even get sued. So...)

5 again)Appraisal and Balanced score card : Some people with unbalanced mind at H..(My lawyer is whispering again)

5 once again) 360 degree feedback : Well, To those who wanted 360 degree feedback, I always say let's start with 180 degree. Just turn aro...(My lawyer is wildly gesticulating now.)

All right, I am out of ideas now. See you in the next post.

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Two + Three funny things about Infosys : Part II

AKA 'The part before the concluding part because we like to have more posts'

In the interest of saving Internet bandwidth, I direct you to read the disclaimers posted in previous part. (My lawyer has convinced me of the legal binding of this redirection)

3)Presidential visits and petty politics : When a president of a powerful African country lands in Delhi after a long flight and drives to the Indian Prime Minister's office and meets him, do you know what the president asks? No, not where the toilet is. He asks, "Can I plant a tree in Infosys Campus?" The Prime Minister says,"Whatever."

So the president hops on the next flight to Bangalore, drives to Infosys campus and plants a tree right next to the one planted by the previous president who was beheaded in a coup ordered by him. The New York times of the visiting President's country (why not?) puts the photo of the ceremony in the first page next day.

The CIO of a fortune 5 million company in that country (a regular reader of the news paper) sees this and says, "Oh, the Infosys guys!! Let's give them another maintenance contract." The army general (also a regular reader of the news paper) sees the photo and swears, "That's it. I've got to plant a tree too. It's coup time, Baby!"

So, everything goes fine and Infosys gets more contracts and Africa gets more coups. Then the chinese president wants to get in as well and that's fine too because that means more contracts and no coups. But when the underpreviliged minister (No, it is not a typo) of krygshitistan (yes, it is the same country which I covered earlier here) asks for a chance to plant a tree and Infosys obliges, everybody knows the situation has gone too far.

Nothing can come out of  such an exercise but for some petty class struggle among the gardeners.

"nodi saar, naanu Li Pengku neeru aaktha idhe. Ondina rajaa thogonde. baaki neevu blog alli Englishla bharidubidi saar." (Look at this saar, I was watering Li Peng. I took a day holiday and the supervisor has transferred me to krygshitistan. I was a pillar gardener saar. NRN himself has given me forty ESOPS. I am going to take a chappal and ...)

The fourth and fifth funny things about Infosys will be posted tomorrow to conclude this series.

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From Funny Side Of Life

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Two + Three funny things about Infosys

Infosys was the leading IT services provider of India before they decided to leverage their core competencies of Global delivery model and move up the value chain in the space warp of friedmanoian flat world and leapfrog by strategy innovation, operational excellence, thought leadership.. guess what, it is not worth it even though there is a teeny tiny chance that I may seek employment in Infosys again.

Disclaimer 1: The author reserves the right to claim on a future date that he did not write this article in free will but was held in duress and was forced at gun point by an employee of a rival company.

Disclaimer 2: This is not indended for consumption of any one other than the intended audience. The intended audience (who shall be henceforth referred to as intended audience) include but is not limited to denizens and non-denizens of internet and who who are not employed in the HR department of Infosys.

Enough of preamble.

1)Infy+ and O+ : Infy+ was an internal change program to transform Infosys from yada yada to yada yada yada. But for a more accurate definition we need to borrow words from less known and lesser respected seventh grade Tamil teacher of my school. In her words

Infy+ is O+* (* hopeless)

It took eighty densely packed powerpoint slides to outline the concept and workings of Infy+. In comparison the advanced unix course conducted by Infosys training department was a relatively sparesely populated thirty slider presentation. And half the trainees flunked in this advanced course. The key takeaway of the Infy+ (for the majority of the employees) was in slide seventy eight and was titled 'New Dress Code'. To explain the new dress code under Infy+ succinctly I need to borrow idea from another fellow Tamilian: Thiruvalluvar of seven word couplets fame

Infosys Monday tie. Infy+
Monday,Tuesday tie.

2)Cleaning ladies and the Zen Gurus : There was a time when Infosys had thirty thousand software engineers and forty thousand cleaning ladies. (No they were not there to clean the BEEP the programmers coded. There was maintenance contract for that.) The cleaning ladies were there to scrub and scrub every square millimeter of every square inch of the floor till it shone like floor. In addition they were also supposed to

a)wipe the underside of the keyboard/mouse/mousepad while programmers are typing their BEEP
b)scrub gently the power button of the computer when it is on
c)wash the toilet while the programmers were ...
Point C was of paramount importance and every toilet of Infosys was cleaned every hour, throughout the hour.

But the noblest of the cleaning task was reserved for the Zen gurus handpicked by NRN himself. They washed the dirt off every individual pebble in a , well what else, huge pebble bed by the old canteen so that the pebbles are in pristine white till the next rain comes. (which, if they are lucky will be when they are half way through. But there were good days and then there were bad days. On bad days, the rain would start when they had just finished their task and got up and before going inside the building paused for a moment to take a look at their achievement.)

I don't know why but I always thought they were not really cleaning the pebbles but teaching some zen philosophy of life (under NRN's order, of course) to the software folks who constantly complained about their meaningless life in between their bites at onion dosa in the adjacent canteen. But for all the intelligent programs I have written I have not been able to fathom what lesson NRN wanted to impart.

That brings us to the third thing which I will write in tomorrow's post (hence the title). Please take a look at the comic and feel free to forward this post (or like or tweet) to your Infosys friends (but not to the ones in HR) and come back tomorrow.

From Funny Side Of Life

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If you liked this comic strip, you may also like other comic strips