Showing posts with label Mahaparatha Reheated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mahaparatha Reheated. Show all posts

MahaBharat - Deus Ex Maxhina Part II

Bhishma's life operated on a fixed timetable - if it is not vow time or bow time then it was shrink time. It was with constant support from his psychiatrist that Bhishma had grown from an insecure, emotionally scarred adolescent boy to an angry young man. No wonder then Bhishma went straight to his psychiatrist from vichitravirya's death bed.

'I thought you wouldn't mind becoming the king.' Psychiatrist asked once the session started.
'Wouldn't mind! There is nothing I would like to do more.' Bhishma roared.
Then Bhishma revealed that he had always wanted to be the king. But he wasn't just able to bring himself to say it because of the vows and all that nonsense. But now that the dynasty was out of sons he thought that his opportunity had finally come.

'Opportunity is knocking at my door. I can feel it! I just have to wait a little before grabbing it.' Bhishma said.
'But why the wait?'
'I told you! It's my honour. I don't want to spoil my reputation by looking to be in a hurry.'

Meanwhile Sathyavathy was having her own problems. She knew that Bhishma belonged to old school which talked about honour, tradition and stuff like that but eventually turned around. Her problem was she did not know whether he was trustable.
'Sure he gives respect to me now and calls me mother! But what if he changes after he becomes king.' She asked herself. But she knew in her heart that there was no alternative. She paced to and fro in her room praying fervently to God to show her a better option.

Suddenly there was a flash in the room and a jet black gypsy appeared in the room.
'Who are you? How did you come into a locked room?' Sathyavathy asked in fear.
'I can go anywhere.'
'Are you.. are you GOD?'
'I am Ved vyas, the author.'
'Do you know Deus ex machina? It is a literary term.'
'Well, I didn't become queen because I was the brightest in school.'
'Do you think the evil Mom in law can have a change of heart in the last minute of last episode of a mega serial?'
'No way! Only GOD can help her. They just want to finish the serial. That's all.'
'Yeah! That is Dues... crap. An act of God to solve the problems and finish the story.'
'So you are the dues.. douchebag. Is this the end of MahaBharath?'
'No! I am the anti douchebag. MahaBharath starts now.'
'I don't understand this.'
'You see! If Bhishma becomes the king then there is no MahaBharath, no book contract, no reheating.'
'But how will you stop Bhishma?'
'I will follow the advice you gave. I will give offsprings to Ambika and Ambalika.'
'You can't. It is not proper. You are not related to Vichitravirya.'
'Haven't you heard of flashback? A tool of Deus ex machina?' Ved vyas waved her hand in front of sathyavathy.
'But what will happen to Bhsihma?' She said as she fainted.

So ved vyas fixed the story. Sathyavathy, the sweetest smelling women, was born as a women who emanated horrendous odour. Parasar, a great sage took her. She gave birth to Ved vyas without loosing virginity and gaining a sweet smell in that process. (I know! I know! I am just retelling the story here.)

And Ved vyas took Ambika to give birth to blind king Dridarashtra (She had closed her eyes in fear when jet black Ved vyas appeared)
He took Ambalika to give birth to pale king Pandu (She had gone pale in fear on seeing Ved vyas)
As satyavathy wanted a blemishless son, she used the Buy two Get one free offer to send Ambika again to Ved vyas. But Ambika substituted her maid who begot a blemishless son called Vithur.

And the psychiatrist helped Bhishma to grow from an angry youg man to a bitter, cynical old man.
'You know what they tell about opportunity knocking the door, right?' The psychiatrist asked.
'It knocked to say that it had gone to the next room as that door was open. How many time will you tell that to me?' Bhisma replied.

From Mahabharat

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MahaBharath : Deus ex machina - Part I

Sathyavathy's father extracted the terrible celibacy vow from Bhishma because he wanted his daughter to be the queen and his grandson to be the future king. And God from above said, 'All right! But that's it. Nothing beyond that.' So the first grand son Chitrangada died in battlefield in his prime. The second grandson Vichitravirya and the reigning king remained childless when he was afflicted by a strange disease that had no cure.
This chapter is from the last day of Vichitravirya.

Vichitravirya is rotting in his bed. He is thin as a stick. His first wife, Ambika, is in consultation with the physician.
'Is it two teaspoons every six hours or six teaspoons every two hours?' Ambika asked.
'It depends.'
'Depends on what?'
'Depends on whether you want him to die now or later. It is euthanasia medicine. Six teaspoons of it and he will die.'
The physician bows solemnly and withdraws.
'Doctor, Stop!' Vichitravirya calls out.
He turns to Ambika.'Oh, Damsel of fair thighs and black eyes!', Ambika rolls her eyes annoyed. 'I want to talk to the doctor in private.'
'I think the disease has reached his head. Go for six teaspoons.' The doctor whispers as he goes past Ambika. Ambika leaves the bedroom.
'I saw you prescribing the same medicine to my father. And he was out cold in two hours.'
The doctor remains silent.
'Well! Say something.'
'What can I say? You already know the truth.'
'Oh, Dear God! I was just bluffing there.'
'Save it now! I don't mind dying. It is the future of dynasty that I am worried about.'
'These things are not in our hands.'
'Of course, it is! How much time do I have?'
'You have been trying for ten years. What is going to change now? Besides, the very act will kill you. Abstain from acts of pleasure!'
'I am not after pleasure, OK! I have a duty to perpetuate this dynasty.'
'And that very act will bring an end to this dynasty.'
'It is an irony. Isn't it?'
'What's an irony?'
'Haven't you watched Hollywood movies? The hero saves the dog from volcano but lets the grandmother die. That's irony.'
"Isn't it an example of farce?'
'Oh I don't know! There is so much I want to do. I want to be a father! I want to know irony from farce!'
Doctor pats him understandingly and leaves.

Ambalika, Vichitravirya's second wife enters the room little later.
'Oh, Damsel of..'
'Will you come to the point. That bitch Ambika said that you have got just six hours to live.'
'That's four hours more than my father got. But dear, the doctor forbade me from indulging in your last wish. He says I might die.'
'All the better! That means I will have a kid and my sister will not..'
'You know how much I hate my sister. All my life I have been using the stuff discarded by her. Clothes, books! She gets the new ones. I get the ones used by her. This is my best chance of revenge.'
She draws closer to him and kisses him. First on forehead, then on cheeks and lips.
The door opens and Sathyavathy and Bhishma enter. The couple separate.
'Queen Mother! I was talking with my husband.'
'It didn't look like the way I saw it. Anyway, you scram now. I and Bhishma need to discuss something with your husband.'
Ambalika withdraws from the room petulantly.

'She was trying to cheat her sister of her right again. Wasn't she?' Sathyavathy asked her son.
'Ma! why don't you stop poking your nose in things that don't matter to you?'
'OK! Here is a thing that matters to me. How do we perpetuate this dynasty?'
'I am not dead yet. Am I?'
'Son! I know a loosing horse when I see one.'
'You never loved me. Did you? Chitrangada was your blue eyed boy. No wonder, you can't understand Ambalika's feelings.'
'This is not personal. It is strictly business. Do you want to hear my thoughts or not?
'OK. Go ahead.'
'There are just two ways to perpetuate the dynasty.After your death..' Vichitravirya vinces.
'Bhishma becomes the king.'
'But he has vowed to stay away from the crown!'
'Or?' Bhishma opens his mouth for the first time.
'Or he gives offspring to Ambika who begets a son for Vichitravirya.'
'Mother! How could you..' Vichitravirya and Bhishma shout in unison.
'Just calm down now! Both of you. I have consulted vedas with respect to the propriety and...'
'Vedas be damned! You will not do this to your brother, will you Bhishma pitamah?'
Bhishma thinks hard for a moment and then says, 'No! I will not break my vow of celibacy either.'

Ambalika enters the room with a glass of Soma juice.
'I hope your discussion with my husband is over.'
'What is this? I never knew you were good at stirring up love potions.'
'Oh, no! Ambika made this specially for me. She is sweet and trusting. Isn't she?'
'Well I will not stop you. I hope you succeed in your devilish plan for the dynasty's sake.'
Sathyavathy and Bhishma leaves the room. Ambalika closes the door behind them and walks to the bed seductively.
Sathyavathy and Bhishma come out of the room.
'We need to come up with something before he dies in six hours!' Sathyavathy sighs. Bhishma nods.

In Ambika's room, she throws an empty medicine bottle in the trash can.
'That bitch! I am going to kill her. I really am going to kill her.' Ambalika's scream fills the palace. She has on her lap the dead body of vichitravirya.

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MahaBharat : Amba, Ambika and Ambalika

Those days the bows were made of wood and were very heavy and one needed lot of kundalini shakti to handle them well. So Bhishma's Brahmacharya really helped him becoming an archer par excellence. But he was on the edge all the time. He was seething like a dam waiting to burst... metaphorically.

When Bhishma heard Shantanu and satyavati had their first baby, Chitrangada, he called all the manufacturers of dart boards to come to the palace with their goods. An hour of frenzied target practice later, Hastinapur had no dart boards and.. dart board manufacturers for a generation. When Vichitrvirya, the second kid was born Bhishma's rage necessitated Save-The-Tiger campaign by the Pigeon Inc. - the largest telecommunications company.

But as time went by Bhishma became more mellowed. Sure, Shantanu's demise and Chitrangada's violent death in a war helped the cause. But it was by and large Bhishma's effort in turning his archery skills on more inanimate things like balloons in circus target practice games that did the trick. The people who conducted the balloon games went bankrupt. But their business was not a big pie in the Hastinapur GDP.So no one cared.

Vichitravirya came of age and when the question of marriage was raised, he said, "King of kasi has three daughters and is planning to conduct a swayamvar."
"You are gunning for three wives! You Dog! You..." Bhishma went into a speech powered by expletives and driven by testosterone.
Satyavati who knew Bhishma's ways waited patiently till he brought his emotions under check and then asked whether he would go to Kasi and secure the brides for his brother. Bhishma was puzzled at this strange request and refused at first.

"I just thought that a Kingdom so powerful as Kasi might have a very difficult swayamwar competition. Shooting a revolving mosquito are something like that.." Satyavati baited.
Bhishma fell for it bow, string and arrow.

But kasi was not just a powerful kingdom but a fashionable one too. Women's liberation was in vogue that season and king decided, "I am tired of catching mosquitoes. What the hll! I will just let the girls choose whoever they like."
However Bhishma would have none of this. He took all the three daughters by force and challenged the assembled suitors to stop him if they wanted the princess for themselves.

So all the kings who had come to participate in the swayamar mounted their horses and chased Bhishma. They were like hundreds of kings and Bhishma was alone.

"If you are real men and are born to your mother, you fight me one on one." Bhishma challenged the kings.
"Get real." The kings shouted back and pounced on Bhishma in unison. The battle was so spectacular that we are compelled to let Vyasa describe it in his own words.

The kings rained arrows on him like masses of clouds showering on the mountain-breast.
-Ved Vyas

Bhishma was a great archer. But he was also middle-aged and out of shape due to festive season. So the reference to man breasts in the analogy, we think.

Anyway, Bhishma defeated the kings and brought back the daughters to Hastinapur. The arrangements for the wedding were in full swing when the eldest of the daughter, Amba said that she is pregnant because of a fling she had with another king called Salva. Vichitravirya did the honourable thing of sending her to Salva.

But there was a surprise waiting for Amba in Salva's palace.
"Are you kidding me? We just kissed." Salva was indignant.
"Yes, we danced in rain and kissed and I have become mother of your..."
"Get real. Will ya! Stop watching Bollywood movies. Here take this Blu-ray movie and get out of my eye sight."

So Amba came back to Hastinapur.
"Well, it turns out that to get pregnant... and you can see it yourself in this Blu-ray movie."
"Oh! Give that to me. It's mine. I called it first!." Bhishma snatched the disc from Amba.
"Basically we just kissed, danced and nothing more. So I am ready to marry you." Amba finished with a relief.
"You kissed and danced! If he had taken advantage of your innocence I would have married you. But this is huge. I can't marry you now!" Vichitravirya protested.

"You are the reason behind all this. So you have got to marry me." Amba turned to Bhishma.
"I wish I could. I really do. Oh..Oh! you have no idea how much I.." Bhishma strived hard to control his emotions.
"He can't. Because he has taken a vow." Satyavati butted in.
Amba tried reasoning, cajoling and pleading with Bhishma in vain. Finally the fury of a woman scorned came to the fore.
"Bhishma! It is because of you I find myself in this position. I will not rest till the day I kill you and take revenge." Amba swore
and left the palace.

"Oh dear! This is not good for Big B dynasty." Satyavati said alarmed.
"Do not worry. The bows are heavy and women don't have enough kundalini to lift it even." Bhishma said matter-of-factly.

But little did he know that the era of sex change operation and light weight Graphite bows were around the corner.

MahaBharat : The fisherman who sold his boat

Under his mother's care, Devavratha (that was Bhishma's original name) grew to be a fussy kid. He had dozen tasters test his food for poison before he even put a morsel in his mouth . And at nights he used to check under his bed for assassins - every hour.

But his shrink said, "You are fine. It's a standard clinical reaction of a kid whose mother drowns seven of his brothers. Nothing to worry about." But Devavratha really looked forward to going back to his dad's place because he was kinda tired living with a serial killer and really wanted to be part of a normal family and breathe easy.

And finally on sixteenth birthday, Devavratha went over to his father's palace to start a new life. A life full of promise and hope.

Shantanu: Ah! finally the day I had longed to see for sixteen years.
Devavratha: I was also looking forward to see you too, papa.
Shantanu: I am so sad that I was not there to bring you up. But I will make amends now. Tell me your future plans.
Devavratha: I want to be the king of the world!
Shantanu: That plan has got Titanic written all over it. Do you have a plan B?
Devavratha: I want to marry the most beautiful girl and..
Shantanu: Plan C?
Devaratha: Well, I know that Chinese kids practice archery since they are in womb. But I was hoping to become the best archer in the world.

After hearing his son's dreams Shantanu became thoughtful. It was quiet sometime before he spoke.

Shantanu: Have you read the latest Hastinapur Times best seller - The fisherman who sold his boat? The author self published it.
Devavratha: I haven't read many books. I can't take my eyes off my mother, if you know what I mean.

Shantanu signals and someone brings a book. It is a very thin book. It has few photographs of boats. There is something written in the middle page. Devavratha reads it aloud, 'Any one who stays away from frown, crown and gown will outlive and out shoot anybody.'

Devavratha: Thats it! He self published this book. This thin book!
Shantanu: C'mon! He sold a boat.Not a Ferari.
Devavratha: But do you believe what the fisherman has said.. about this frown..
Shantanu: Don't forget about the crown and gown, my son.
Devavratha: yes, frown, crown and gown. The thing is, I really want to be the best archer in the world and for a long time to come.
Shantanu: Then, you know what you must do.
Devavratha: Yes,I am thinking of staying away from...But..
Shantanu: I see a sense of vacillation. Maybe, you will do well to take a vow to stay away from the evils.
Devavratha: Vow! I mean.. Wow! That sounds...

(Shantanu claps his hands. A guy brings a parchment.)

Shantanu: I have already drafted a vow for you. Now if you can just sign it here..
(Shantanu claps his hands again. Three more guys enter)
Shantanu: I also have three witnesses ready.
Devavratha: Vow! You are really fast.
Shantanu: This is nothing. You must see my Bank relationship manager! If you sign it now, I can get you a new name as well.
Devavratha: New name! Where do I sign it?

(Bhishma signs and Shantanu gestures to the sky. People hidden in the attic shower rose petals. And a loudspeaker starts crackling.)

Loudspeaker: Devavratha! Son of Shantanu! History will remember you as Bhishma.
Devavratha: Bhishma! That name sucks. Why can't I be Mark or Luke?
Shantanu: Now son, if you just move a bit...
(Shantanu takes the parchment from Bhishma and gives it to a witness)

Shantanu: There! My son will stay away from crown and gown. Can I marry your daughter now?
Witness : Now that my demands are met, I do not see any problem.
Bhishma: Demands! What demands? And, You are marrying again!
Shantanu: It's a long story. But yeah, I am going to marry his daughter, sathyavathy.
Bhishma: Who is this man? Why is his face familiar?
Shantanu: He is the fisherman who sold his boat.
Bhishma: Is this all a setup? Am I not going to be the best archer? Am I not...
Shantanu: You are an ashta vasu. You will be the best archer. And you will live till hundred.
Bhishma: What is an ashta vasu?
Shantanu: No idea. But you will live till..
Bhishma: This sucks.
Shantanu: You have entered into a binding contract,son. Stay away from the crown and gown.
Bhishma: And frown?
Fisherman: I just added it because it rhymed.
Bhishma: Oh! Thank GOD.. For a minute, I really thought that is the end of my life.
Shantanu: (To the fisherman) If I remember, you wanted a yacht too as dowry, right? Here is the key.
Bhishma: You are giving him a yacht!
Fisherman: (To Bhishma) By the way, look out for my next best seller - The fisherman who sold his boat and got a yacht.

The only thing that can be said about Bhishma's parents is they made any other parents look good.

From Mahabharat

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MahaBharat : Shantanu Teri Ganga Baby killer

After ruling for score squared sans seven years, King Pritam said, "That's freaking long time not seeing a DPL match. I better go and do some penance."

So he went to the source of Ganga (The river) and started his penance. Then Ganga (The Goddess) appeared from Ganga (R) and was taken in by this man of great virtue and prowess. (This is basically vedic way of saying that he was hot, really hot!)

"Oh, You the bull of men! King of great virtue and prowess. Will you take me?" Ganga(G) asked in vedic tongue. (In modern speak it is roughly, "Hey hottie! Are you free tonight!")

"I shall! But first please sit on the lap on left side." The king said.
Ganga obliged promptly.
"Dear Oh, Dear! What have you done?" The king moaned sadly.
"You meant your left side. Not my left side. Didn't you?"
"Yeah!" The king said gravely.

"So, that makes me your..."
"Daughter or daughter in law. Wife, left lap. Daughter, right lap. What did they teach you in school? Or did you go to that new fangled montisorry school?"
"But I fell for your bod.... prowess, prowess. Not for your son's." Ganga pleaded.
"Don't worry! Every male in our family is virtue personified. We are the family of B."
"Yeah! you are the Bachchans and I am Aishwarya Rai."
"No! We are the Bharath dynasty. And you are Ganga.But who are they?"
"Never mind. I will marry your son. Is he good looking?"
"We will know when he is born."
"Yeah! I have got to marry first."
"See ya"
"Wait. Trust me. I solemnly pledge that I will take you as my daughter in law."
"Whatever! But remember. I am doing it for thee. Well, thy bod.... prowess,prowess. But I have a condition. Thy son shall not stop me from doing what I please when I marry him."
"So shall it be. Oh! the stupid one."
"Hey! How did you know my nick name?"
"Lucky guess, I think! Now off you go. I need to do penance to beget a son."
"Is that how they do it nowadays?"
"Off you go, I said." The king thundered. And Ganga (G) went back into Ganga (R).

So the Pritam did do penance and begot a son. (yeah, we are surprised too
!) The nameless king who had earlier been cursed to be born on earth by Brahma was the son. And for a change, he was given a name in this birth, Shantanu.

And when Shantanu became old, Pritam debriefed Shantanu of his promise to Ganga(G).
On one fine day, Ganga(G) appeared before Shantanu and asked him to take her. Shantanu promptly obliged. But they didn't happily live ever after.

Every time Ganga(G) gave birth to a kid, she drowned it in Ganga(R). Yeah! that's how sore she was with ashta vasu for cheating her. But it worked well for ashta vasus because they didn't want to live anyway.

Shantanu really felt bad about this whole drowning as we can see from the commemorative stones that he erected for each dead kid on the banks of Ganga(R).

Here drowned my first son when he accidentally fell from the boat in which his mother was enjoying a pleasure ride. Had he lived, he would have been the bull of the kings for I have not heard of any thirty days old baby crawling to the edge of boat and jumping over it. For sure, he belonged to Big B dynasty.

Here went down my second son, another bull of Bharat dynasty. Another pleasure ride of his mother has turned into tragedy.

Third here.

Fourth. Here... or there?

Fifth, I guess. Wait. it is the sixth! Holy shit. What kind of woman takes a pleasure ride just after a month of delivering a kid.

Place marker for the fifth kid.

Seventh kid. I have come to a realization about this business which this stone is too small to hold.

However displeased Shantanu was, he couldn't interfere with Ganga's ways because of his promise to her. (Between you and me, we think she was too good in bed or he was just an hen pecked husband who was using the promise as an excuse.)

By the time the eighth kid came around Ganga's charm had lost its power. (No surprises there. The shelf life of wife was usually three kids during the vedic time.)

So Shantanu told Ganga, "Honey! If I see you drowning this kid, I will be really perturbed."
"Perturbed!!! You are so mean. Since you are interfering in my ways, I am leaving you this moment." Ganga said.
"Jolly good. I will find another bride."
"Who cares! Take it. Here is your kid."
"No! You keep it. But just don't drown it."

So a bitter court case ensued where each tried to prove that the kid would be better off with the other one. The court after duly noting that Ganga had drowned the previous seven kids also took the circumstances that mitigated the severity of her act , namely post delivery stress, and ruled in favour of Ganga (or Shantanu).

As per the court order, Ganga(G) raised the kid till he was sixteen. On his sixteenth birthday Ganga(G) dumped him at Shantanu's palace and walked into Ganga(R) for one last time.

Thus the bloodiest double action in the history of India came to an end.
Oh, BTW, the kid is Bhishma, the eighth ashta vasu.

From Mahabharat

MahaBharat : Ashta Vasu Or Why shouldn't you cheat in Farmville

This much is certain of ashtavasus (eight vasus)
  1. They are eight in number.

  2. They are collectively called as vasus. (whatever that means)

These are mere conjectures about them
  1. They represent the eight fundamental elements of nature. (Greek only had five. So clearly ancient India had a superior culture.)

  2. They manned the eight sectors of the cricket field in matches between Devas and Asuras.

  3. They represent number eight and by extension any octet entities like raagas, directions etc.

As you can see they were really jobless people. (Indo-Pak cricket matches were more frequent than matches between Devas and Asuras.) For a brief time they thought of blogging to keep themselves occupied. But they found farmville to be more suited to their tastes. So they devoted all their energies on playing farmville and pretty soon got very good at it.

It so happened that their farm was adjacent to that of a guy named Vasishta. Vasishata was a rishi who preached about the evils of farmville within farmville.

What you see is Maya. Farm is out there, people!
-Vasishta in 'The sayings of Vishwamitra'

Vasishta had a unique cow, kamadhenu, which was like the cow of the most advanced level in farmville. It didn't just give milk but milk chocolates! So one of the vasus kinda jumped over the fence of vasishta's farm and stole the cow. The farmville authority got to know this and handed out a life sentence to be served in earth. The vasus filed suo motu habeaus corpus injunctory petition and since Vasishta pleaded no contest the life sentence was reduced to a short life sentence to all but the actual vasu who stole the cow. What it means is that the seven vasus can arrange themselves to be knocked off as soon as they are born. The eighth vasu would have to spend his full life sentence on earth.

Meanwhile, in another part of the world a king whose name is not very important did a lot of penance and got a ticket to go to a DPL (Deva Premier League) match in heaven. If you know your mythology, you would be aware that DPL is really a big thing in heaven. They have cheer leaders, soma party and all such things. Ganga who is performing the double action of a river as well as Goddess was the star cheerleader for the match to which the nameless king had got the ticket.

As the match progressed, the king had lot of soma, lost his senses, and planted a kiss on Ganga.
This angered Brahma so much that he shot off a curse.
"You! Ganga and .. and.. the king whose name I do not know! You two shall be born in earth again and suffer the vagaries of life."

Coming back to vasus, they went and met the friendly neighborhood agent Naradha and told their problem.

"Oh Narada! We want to get over with this curse as soon as possible. You know! Be born and be dead. But we have read so much about the bonds of motherhood. We don't want to cause any grief to any mother. In fact we would like to avoid being born to humans, if possible."

Naradha said, "Ganga is the right mother for you. I would introduce you to her. But I would suggest just one of you to come with me."
"But we all want to be born to the same mother." Vasus said.
"Listen to me! One of you come and introduce yourself as ashtavasu. Then ask her to be the mother for ashtavasus."

So vasus did exactly what Naradha said and Ganga was more than willing to accommodate vasu's wish. In fact, she signed the contract right there in the presence of Naradha.

Once she signed the contract Naradha asked, "Oh! You the stupid one. You know that ashta vasus are eight in number, right?"
"What! Who do you think I am? I am Ganga Devi. Not Rabri Devi."
"But you have signed the contract!" Vasus shouted in chorus.
"Oh! Did I? I will see you on earth. Remember the contract is just about giving birth." Ganga retorted.
"What do you mean?" Vasus asked alarmed.
"Wait and see." Ganga said with an evil grin and disappeared.

From Mahabharat

MahaBharat : Ved Vyas lands a book deal with Elephant India

Mein samay bol raha hun..

sadhiyon pahale jab Antariksh tha, aakaash bhi thaa, par hindi nahin thaa, people used to go, "what has a man to do to get an aaloo paratha here?" and the dhabha owner would go, "You have got to wait. I haven't got ten hands. Do I?"

Finally, the punjabi owner came out of the kitchen with plates and said, "Tough luck,I Ran out of aloo.There is just one aaloo paratha." There was a huge commotion as people rushed forward to get the aloo paratha.

Ved Vyas, who was nothing by profession and a writer by aspiration saw people pushing and shoving for paratha and had a brainwave. "What if.. What if..", he just couldn't wait till he finished his thought to call Naaradh , summa cum laude cum real estate cum insurance cum literary agent.

"I have an idea for an epic! People, brothers by blood, fight for a.. a.. maha paratha." He told Naaradh with excitement.
"Wow! Show me the manuscript."
"I haven't got one."
"Then get one."
"I can't! I can't write."

That's it. That was the three letter question that came to Naaradh's mind which neither Vyas nor the historians could answer. We don't know the answer either. So we are going to declare the question out of syllabus and move forward.

On Naaradh's request, Lord Ganesha agreed to be the scribe and publisher for Ved Vyas.
"But I have a stipulation. My pen should not pause while I write." Ganesha said.
"Then, I have got a stipulation too.  You should understand the meaning of shlokas that you write." Vyas counter conditioned.
"Then I have one too. I need a finder's fee of ten percent." Naaradha slid his condition in.
"Then you need to get me a television deal too." Ved vyas counter conditioned again.
"I will try. But the sagar is busy with Valmiki guy's book. I will try Chopra." Naaradh sounded doubtful.
"All right then! Let's start." Ganesha asked with his pen and parchment ready.

So Ved Vyas dictated and Ganesha wrote the epic that we call MahaBharath. Ved Vyas used make up difficult words and Ganesha would really have to think hard for the meaning before penning down the words. Meanwhile, Ved Vyas would have thought of more shlokas to say.

For instance, Ved Vyas would go, "Arjun shot an arrow and it went swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing swoing"
Ganesha had hundreds of ways to write the gibberish and he had to think hard to choose the correct spelling. This just about gave Ved Vyas time to compose more shlokas. Alert readers would have noticed that Vyas's idea of buying time was nothing original. Sagar was already deploying that technique in televising Valmiki guy's book.

Thus Ved Vyas dictated MahaBharath and Lord Ganesha set it to letters.

From Mahabharat

MahaBharat : Foreword

To all those doubters who might wonder "what does the author know about MahaBharat?", I (from now on referred as 'we') would like to reply, "we know even less about other things". To be honest, we know a bit about Ramayana as well. But we don't like Sita's husband, Arun Govil all that much. He has that plastic smile all the time which doesn't go well down with us.

To all those Hindu religious fanatics who might question "Will he make fun of Bible and Quran like this?", our answer is "First of all, it is not 'Will he make fun'. It is, 'Will they make fun?'. Second of all, Absolutely! Please provide us a PDF of those books." We did try to contact King James and Gideon who are in the habit of forgetting their copy of Bible in the top shelf of every dresser table in every hotel. But the efforts proved futile. We did see the hoardings about "free Quran" and contacted them. They offered us to courier a copy of hard leather bound Quran. We replied, "Get real! Send us a pdf so that it will be easy for us to copy paste and make fun of." They started abusing us in Urdu which we didn't understand much.

That left us with the only choice of writing about MahaBharath.

At this point, it would be apt to thank the bit torrent people who did provide us with a digitized version of MahaBharath. It helped us a lot in fact checking like getting the correct name of Bheem. It is, as we suspected, “Ghadhadhaari Bheem.”

Coming to this book itself we do not claim this to be an accurate version of Ved Vyas's Mahabharath. We have left the parts that really bored us like mentioning all the names of kauravas. Despite those omissions, we understand that writing Mahabharatha is a long and arduous journey. But the love and loyalty of our readers has motivated us to embark on this long journey. “By GOD, we will keep posting till they leave a comment or click on the like button” is our motto.

Finally, as every long journey must be taken one toilet break at a time, we will embark on this one post at a time.

See you tomorrow.
BTW,if you like to receive our posts by email, please do subscribe by email. You will also get a free copy of my comedy play 22,going on 33 when you subscribe.

From Mahabharat