Showing posts with label Men and Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men and Women. Show all posts

Of men, women and sandwiches

Heard the news that another celebrity couple is splitting. Marriage as an institution is failing. Call me old fashioned, but I have always felt that men and women need each other.

Men need women.Without women, men need to enter the kitchen themselves. And kitchen is a strange place. Not at all suitable for men. The last man to go where no man has ever been - the kitchen, is still missing. The legend is that the sink swallowed him. Of course, some men might say, 'What the hell! We will buy some ready to eat stuff and survive. We don't need women.' The thing with ready to eat stuff is you are ready to eat it, but it is not ready to be eaten - yet. You need to unwrap it without squissssshing it, keep it at proper orientation in the microwave, heat it to proper temperature, take it out without scalding your hands. So you can see that there are lot of steps between being ready and eating it.

You don't believe me? Take the case of bread. You might think eating bread is a walk in the park - take two slices, apply jam, eat it. It is. Except that the walk winds through seedy neighborhoods. The shape of a bread slice is, what scientists call, asymmetrical. Asymmetry is a complex concept. Asymmetry means not symmetrical. If you draw a line through the center of an asymmetrical thing, the left side will not match the right side.

What that means is, when you apply jam on the bread slice, it has to be applied on the non matching sides. If you don't, then when you keep the slices against each other, they won't fit perfectly. You will have portions of the side with jam exposed and you will end up smearing jam in your hand or shirt or shoes. Men don't have it in them to find the matching sides.

The greatest scientist Edison ,a bachelor, went to collect his Nobel prize in red pants - to match his jam stains on white shirt.

Women need men just as men need women. Women need men to call plumbers, carpenters, electricians and talk to them and get the job done without getting fooled by them. They need men to take a firm stand and tell the electrician, 'See! This switch faces me. It goes in the opposite wall. We need a different switch for the wall behind me. Get the one for the back wall, even if it is twice as costly.'

Women also need men to whisper sweet little nothings in their ear like, 'Honey, you need to press the brake, not the accelerator and you better do it NOWWWWWW.' or 'Darling! Press the clutch, put the gear on first and slowly accelerate. But do it fast before the guy with the crowbar reaches my window.'

In summary, women need men as much as men need women. Now if we can find some oil rig men to drill that into the heads of warring couples then the lawyers will not be needed.

From Funny Side Of Life

Saturday is here again

Every Saturday morning, every wife in every household hands out her husband tea (or coffee) and asks "what's the program?" Just like the way every Friday night, every man in every household had asked after switching off the T.V . But unlike the wives who can be snoring or having headache or just tired from the whole day's work when men popped the question, men don't have many alternatives because, let's face it, they just had a whole night of good ...sleep.

So men freeze, unable to think of an answer and the crude-oil goes up five cents in anticipation of the demand and the exporters in mid-east go ballistic shouting, "Inshah allah, it is another Saturday morning in Bangalore!" But the earth is rotating and Allah has something terrible in store for them. In four hours, they are going to be served tea (or coffee). And there is not going to be one but three cups and wives to answer to.

Meanwhile in Bangalore, man's mind weighs all alternatives like Deep Blue and comes out with a move outlined below. (For chess aficionados, I have given the possible alternate moves and the outcomes in the same terse way they see in their favorite news paper  - in the half inch space between the seventh division cricket news and the half page advertisement.)

(Man to play and lose. In three moves)
Woman: so, what's the program?
Man : You tell me. (?!. The alternative is worse 1. I don't' know??? , I have a plan+ Ch !!!! 2. Yeah??? , Yeah+ Ch mate!!! )
Woman: I was cleaning the kitchen!!! (Better than the alternative - 1. ...., I want to buy a jeans 2. You have so many already!!+Ch, But they are tight??, Maybe, you should use the treadmill we bought last month!!+Ch mate)
Man : Yeah.. (Man has been set up by the brilliant kitchen move and is not seeing it yet)
Woman: We need to buy a dozen new plastic containers to put salt, sugar... !!!
Man: Why? Is salt complaining about the old jar ?? (Bad move. But the alternative isn't good either - 1. Let's go buy the containers , On the way let's stop at that Saree shop too!! . Man eventually loses)
Woman: Do you want to come with me for shopping or not !!!+ Ch mate (Man has lost already.)

I had continued the conversation with "Not particularly" variation eventually losing in three more moves. As I am typing this blog my wife has gone shopping. I look around the house with a wistful hope. There is not much damage to be done. We already have the costliest clothesline bought in Stay-fit fitness equipments. We had bought HD ready LCD TV at six times the current price and have been waiting for four years to see three HD Abhishek bachchans sell us a sim card. (Thankfully, it is yet to happen. HD, I mean.) We already have a surround system with that sub woofer speaker which has a big hole (designed no doubt for some stupid acoustic reason) where my kid hides his carrots and peas.

But the noise of the shopkeepers at the mall, "Yippee! It's Saturday again!" is disturbing my thoughts. And in the distance I can hear the CEO of LG television exclaiming to his managers, "Why do we need 3D content to sell our 3D TV? Aren't weekends enough?"

Men, Women and Weekends

Men and women are not all that different, you know! Yes, I have read 'Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus'. And its sequel 'Men can read Maps upside down but women can't spell maps' too. But give me a break! Isn't Mars and Venus the closest non adjacent planets in solar system? And the distance between them is not high really, especially when you express it in light years.

My point is, men and women are superfluously different in some fundamental ways and this whole Mars and Venus thing is just a big misunderstanding. For instance, let's take the example of ...hmm..well off the top of my head..hmm.. weekends.

When GOD called Adam and Eve and told them about this weekend concept and how it is different from a weekday, Adam is supposed to have said, "Father, Ye who watcheth us from the heavens above and the earth below.." and GOD interjected and said "Will you cut to the chase, son? I have got the whole universe to make in a week. Plus I need to plant some evidences for evolution as well."
So Adam did cut to the chase and said, "All days are created equal."

Later day Evolutionary advocates point to this very dialog of Adam as strongest argument for evolution. They say that someone who cannot understand weekdays and weekends cannot be a human being but only a very primitive form of life. Surely we could have only evolved gradually from that life form to the modern day human beings who know that it is the difference between weekdays and weekends that cause the earth to rotate, life to flourish, they argue. But of course, the opposition camp says that GOD's first act of 'planting evidence' was making Adam talk that way!

Anyway, after Adam got into his head what this weekend thing is the conversation went something like below.

GOD: So, ye who went far and wide and hunted animals during weekdays, shall take rest on weekends. On sunday, you will have SABBATH.
Adam: On Saturday?
GOD: You shall have hmm... KARABATH.

(Man grunted but agreed immediately for the GOD was not only the kindest and fairest but also the angriest. Then came Eve's turn before the GOD.)

GOD: So, ye who cooked, swept and waited for Adam shall take rest with him on weekends. You shall be in the cave with Adam...
(Eve coughs gently.)
GOD: Ye wish to speak, my daughter?
Eve: Father! Just as Adam who wandered far and wide stays in cave during weekend, is it not fair that I who remained in cave during weekdays work outside during weekends?
GOD: (Slightly angry.) You want to do gardening?
Eve: You got to be kidding.

(Theologians differ on the point whether GOD flew into rage because he did not understand Eve's phrase or precisely because He understood her phrase. But for us, what matters is, he flew into rage.)

GOD: Ye who is but the rib of Adam wanteth to be like Adam. So shall ye be in the weekends. Ye shall go farther and wider in hunt of the prey, but all in vain. The prey you catcheth shall bleed you twiceth the blood it shedeth. (And now he turns to Adam.) Ye who did not stop Eve from talking against me shall suffer and suffer more for she shall not know that she is suffering but ye will wallow in your suffering.
And this is the story of eternal damnation of weekends! See how it plays out even in modern times.

During weekends, Men like to do all the household duties like testing the stiffness of the bed, emptying of fridge, stress test of the remote. But women! They just can't wait to go on a 'hunting expedition' to the farthest mall to check out and not buy all those different kinds of things they would like to check out and not buy. They travel farthest and widest in these hunts. They start their assault on the mall in the northern limits by going on a reconnaissance trip (also called as comparative shopping in modern days) towards western limits and then perform a feint attack by going towards Eastern outskirts (also called as change of mind nowadays) and finally descend on the target in the north.

But as GOD cursed their quest ends in a total failure all the time. Either they don't get what they want after all that effort or their 'hunted animal' bleeds them a lot of money to just end up in the in the dungeon in their house. But GOD was true to his words. Women do not understand their suffering but consider these expeditions as pleasure for GOD who watcheth from yada yada yada has wired their brain so. As to Men, he drives women in these hunting expeditions all across the city and thus wallow in the suffering as GOD cursed him.

As you see, Men and women are not very different when it comes to weekends. They are just pawns in the game played by GOD.

What? you want to know why women is obsessed with mirrors! Why women jump from wall to wall to wall to see photos of complete strangers in facebook? Well, when GOD called Adam and Eve...

Hold On! I will save some of my stories for the book deal I will eventually get. What say you?