Showing posts with label News to Amuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News to Amuse. Show all posts

News to Amuse - 6th November 2015

Bihar elections results will come out  on Sunday. The nation is waiting with bated breath to know who the winner is going to be:
Times Now exit poll survey
News24 exit poll survey

Manmohan Singh slams the attack on freedom of thought under Modi's rule.
Apparently he said, "Personally, I don't care about the freedom of speech. But, freedom of thought! you are choking me."

Apple Watch is launched in India at Rs 30,900
My thought: Wow! It costs an arm and a leg.
Apple's thought: That's Okay! You can wear the watch in the other arm.

SRK's 50th birthday celebrations push his twitter follower count to 16 million, making him the second most popular Indian on Twitter.

Guys, Today is my 100th birthday! MY 100th BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
(Checks twitter follower count)

GreenPeace has been banned in India over fraudulent practices.
Thank God! Feeling good now about buying two packets of frozen peas yesterday.

Sachin Tendulkar and Shane Warne are in New York to play a promotional match. Apparently when they walked around in New York yesterday, no one recognized them.
I don't understand why this is a news. I mean, it happens to me all the time.

News to amuse - May 06, 2015

Last week Rahul Gandhi continued his make over by visiting Vidarbha where few farmers had comitted suicide. I don't know who to pity: the depressed, futureless and the hopeless or the farmers.

Tired of the condescending attitude of Indian media after earthquake, Nepalese started #GoHomeIndianMedia campaign on twitter last week. Of course, to make it the trending topic, they had to ask the Indian media personnel on Twitter to RT their tweets.

TJ Jose, Inspector General of Police, Kerela, was caught copying in the LLB exam. Unbelievable! Our country is going down the drains. The guardians of law are not following the law themselves - why did he not bribe the invigilator to keep the matter hush.

Young players of W.Indies like Darren Bravo, Marlon Samuels and Jason Holder deliver superlative performance as W.Indies defeat England in a test for the first time in six years. Now that they have proved themselves, hopefully they would get to do what the best players in W.Indies do - play for CSK, RCB and MI in IPL.

Roger Federer won the Istanbul Open yesterday. In other words Djokovic and Nadal did not play Istanbul Open.

Viswanathan Anand finished second in the Shamgir Open yesterday. In other words Djokovic and Nadal played Shamgir Open. Wait! That doesn't sound right.

News To Amuse - Feb 05, 2014

Sachin Tendulkar and C.N.R Rao were conferred with Bharat Ratna in a ceremony yesterday. I think the status of Bharat Ratna is falling over years. Has he ever scored a triple century in tests? Has he ever scored the maximum number of runs in a year?  I mean, who is this C.N.R Rao?

Microsoft has appointed Indian born Satya Nadella as its CEO. Before he had played key role in launching Bing. I am happy to see that Microsoft is moving away from cheap labour and crappy products as a strategy. But there was a small hiccup in the press meet yesterday. When the announcer said that Nadella had worked on Bing, everybody wanted to know what it was. Nadella jumped in and said, "You haven't heard of Bing! It is very famous. Just Google it and you will know."

Abdul Kalam, in a function yesterday, urged the kids to think out of the box. The kids said they are! "Nowadays we are into xbox." They shouted back.

Tiger Woods came to India to play a Golf event. The event was not open to public. Even Media was refused access. Apparently, the event was organized to increase the popularity of Golf in India. The Ambani brothers have said, "No, Thanks."
While he was here, Tiger woods met Sachin Tendulkar and his family. When asked whether you would like to come again to India, he said, "Sure. But next time I want to see Taj Mahal."

Amitabh Bachchan has said he stopped endorsing Pepsi after a girl in Jaipur asked him why he promoted the soft drink that her teacher had branded as 'poison'. Nowadays Amitabh Bachchan endorses Gujarat tourism and was on his way to Godhra to shoot another advertisement when he revealed this.

Ian Thorpe has checked into rehab and getting treatment for depression. In 1998, when Thorpe came to the press meet after he won the first world chamionship, he was wearing a T.Shirt that said - I am more intelligent when I am under water. I thought it was just a joke. Stupid me!

News To Amuse - Jan 31, 2014

January 31. 2014


Promoting humor in News since 2033

Father Karunanidhi and brother Stalin did not greet me on my birthday - Alagiri

Big deal! You hate your father and brother, because of this! You give interviews to papers!
Look, I received just one greeting on my birthday : from Icici Prudential.
Do I cry like a baby? Do I feel like a total loser?
Horror of horrors! Do I go out and do the unthinkable - change the car insurance from Tata AIG to Icici prudential.
Absolutely not.
If life has taught me one thing, it is this:
Just like each finger in a hand is different, each insurance company has a different CRM solution.

If alagiri can get that, then he would have found the secret to have a happier birthday.
Send email greetings to you Gmail account from your yahoo account and vice-versa.

I will not sacrifice self-respect for power - Siddaramaiah

But other's respect and lives, Maybe.

Team India looks for consolation win

If they look longer, they will find it next month against Afghanistan in Asia cup. But they have to look harder.

Infosys co-founder gives IISc Rs 225 crore to develop pure science research

If all software tycoons follow this, pump money into pure science, then one day, finally, we will have less of dumb software engineers... and more of dumb pure science researchers.

Yahoo email account passwords stolen

Dear hacker,
if you have stolen my password, please send a email greeting to my Gmail account on my birthday.

News to amuse - Promoting humor in News since 2033



India celebrated 67th Independence Day

India celebrated the 67th Independence day by telecasting the movie Gandhi for the 37th time in national television. Indians , across the country, made fun of Britain who has given Independence to half the nations across the world but does not have an Independence day sale of their own.

Indian Prime minister, in his address to the nation, said Indians are not afraid of terrorists and will stand up to them. He was standing behind a bullet proof glass when he delivered that speech.


Dollar climbs to 62 Rupees

When contacted for reaction about the non stop rise of the dollar, Finance minister said coolly - 'Big deal! Even onions are 65 rupees per kg.'


Pakistan celebrated their 67th Independence day



SRK's Chennai Express has done a business of 150 crores

In an unrelated news, HLL said the tissue paper business has crossed 200 crores turnover.