Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts

Just some thoughts

The schools have reopened this week. My kid doesn't want to go to school. He wants to continue in summer camp. I had to explain him the difference between regular school and summer camp : one costs a lot of money and doesn't teach anything and the other costs a lot of money and doesn't teach anything but only runs in summer.
At school, my kid got his first homework today : I have to make a chart on places of worship.

My kid is almost seven. So I have decided to teach him survival skills. This week, I will teach him about Google search and cut & paste. I will take it up a notch next week  - go to the field. I will teach him to pick the fastest queue at grocery and withdraw cash from ATM.

Since the last time I posted, BJP has swept to power. On results day, the TV anchors were all talking in hyperbole:  Modi Wave, Modi Tsunami. It was all great. But shouldn't a wave and Tsunami hit the coastal areas? Should it not cause maximum damage in Tamil Nadu, Orissa and West Bengal? 

Even before the election indelible ink could disappear from my thumb, Modi's Government has embarked on its divisive agenda of article 370. Do you realize what it shows?

Well, for one thing it shows that I need to take bath more often.

Back to school.

Yesterday was Parent Teacher Interaction day at my kid's school. Parents meet the teacher once every three months to know about the progress of their kids. That is four times a year.

In my time and all, I got to meet my English teacher that many times only in my full school life.

I know. I know. My less than perfect education still shows up.

It was my turn to go with the kid. My wife had gone the previous six times. Gender equality is a loose concept in India. Like Safe Delhi, Aadhar.

I got up at 8:30, shaved and went to school at 9.00 AM. The idea was to start early, get in first, get out fast and finish it in a flash. A technique that works well in many places but for... well you know where.

The receptionist handed me a token.
"How many kids are there in the class?" I asked as I saw the token number.
"Twenty five." She said and smiled.
I was the last. I cursed and joined the crowd - the crowd of people who wanted to beat the crowd.

Ten minutes later, I was sweating profusely. It was nothing serious. I was just having a major panic attack. I am scared of school. Shit scared. Every other night, even now, I have a nightmare where my school forms the setting. Following two are the scariest, hence best, nightmares of mine.

In the first dream, the teacher asks a tough trigonometry problem.
Nobody in the class knows but for me. I go up to the board to solve it.
Standing in front of the board, I look down and see that I am not wearing my pants. Or my underwear.
So it goes.

In the second dream, I am sitting in an exam hall, confident and well prepared.
The question papers are distributed. I open the question paper and turn pale.
It is a Science question paper. And I am prepared for History.
So it goes.

I curl my fingers hard and suppress the urge to run away from that place.
I hate school.
The other places I hate are - college, office, house, road... so it goes.

I get up and go to the toilet.
The toilet: looks clean. smells good. but appears tiny.
The urinals, water faucets, toilet bowls, mirrors, everything has been fitted for kindergarten kids.
Suddenly the school seems less scary.
'I can do this.' I tell myself. I begin to feel relaxed.

Outside, it is the turn of the parent sitting before me to meet the teacher.
I could hear them talking from where I am sitting.
The kid inside is Einstein. Or so his father thinks. He is asking whether he should put the kid in Abacus.
"How about Vedic Mathematics?" The father asks next.
Then he wants to know when should a kid be introduced to computers.

Thirty minutes later I go inside.
The teacher hands me a report card. It is red in colour, as big as a weekly magazine and is folded into two sheets. I open the report card and see a table. My kid has been assessed and graded in twenty different parameters.
I study the report card closely.
The card is blue in colour inside. Small pictures of a butterfly, a balloon and two kids ( a boy and a girl) make up the three corners of the report card. There is a picture of a building in the fourth corner. It is a school. I know it because,it says so. Above the entrance of the building, it is written 'SCHOOL'. In block letters. No name. Nothing. Just

"Nice. Nice. Very Nice." I tell myself.

"Do you have any questions?" The teacher asks.
"Yes." I say. "Where is the toilet that you use?"

I love my kid. But..

I love him. I really do. The only thing I love even more is his school. Because when he is there he is not at home! So I don't mind them putting a straw into me to suck my blood regularly. It's a fair deal, I think. So, for all the parents who has a kid who is not ready to go to school yet, just hang in there. Hope is around the corner. But better up stock up some money because you will need it.

Why kids are the way they are can be scientifically explained by applying murphy's law to mendel's genetics. Mendel proved that the genes of offspring are inherited from parents. The single important outcome of that discovery is lawsuits are filed and won by father against mother when a blue eye kid is born to two brown eyed parents.  But mendel didn't know this particular application of his discovery. If he had, he would have patented his findings.
Murphy's law states that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." It has not been accepted as a scientific law like Newton's Law, Hooke's law and Sairam's law is mainly because the fifty page proof submitted by the author to the Science congress was misplaced by the postal department and Murphy himself died a couple of days later hit by the very postal van that carried his proof to some wrong destination. Later attempts to prove Murphy's law has resulted in similar fate.

When kids draw their genes (and hence behavior) from parents they have a chance of drawing the good or bad genes. But when you apply Murphy's law to Mendel's inheritance model you immediately know that the kid will draw just the bad genes from both the parents. So when an intelligent brute marries a dumb blond the kid is likely to be, no not Bush, a dumb brute.

And that's the reason why parents can't stand their kids. They know that the worst behavior of their kids has come from nowhere but themselves. And they cannot do anything but wait till the kid grows up and mellows down under society's hard rules.

And one more thing, don't use expletives in front of the kid. Kids constantly observe you and are worse than a parrot when it comes to repeating you.